Leaving the Club
by RalphZiggy
Summary: Hikigaya learns his worth in the eyes of another. Warning: sad, character death
1. Chapter 1

**Aquarium Park**

Yukinoshita was now smiling as relieved even as tears and redness remained in her eye, her voice regained almost completely its cool and melodic tones.

"I have a request, would you like to hear it?", Yukinoshita said.

"yeah", Yuigahama also smiling and waiting expectantly.

I could only wonder as I beheld Yukinoshita's face that was ever lovely whether in sorrow or delight, would this request be something that could bring us all closer, bring me closer to these two who were very important and precious to me? I hoped so, I wished so, this were the fleeting thoughts I had as..

Yukinoshita suddenly clutched her left arm very tightly, eyes went white as those deep pupils went up and under her eyelids, her knees buckled, and I leaped forward only able to stop her limp body centimeters from the sidewalk, as my forearms and elbows registered the pain of hitting concrete.

"Yukinon!" Yuigahama screamed.

There was no pulse in that graceful and dainty neck.

Holding Yukinoshita with one arm I dialed the number that even every little child is taught, and gave situation and location to the dispatcher. Then I removed my coat, placed it down and put Yukinoshita on it.

"Yuigahama, the CPR training from swimming class, you remember it?"

"Yes!", she said, I repeated instructions aloud and we tried, and tested for pulse, and tried, for many long minutes until the ambulance came and Yukinoshita was taken away.

* * *

 **Hospital Waiting Room**

The doctor spoke to Haruno of a condition Yukinoshita always had, that wasn't supposed to be a problem in her youth but only much later in life.

But, that worst thing we feared, what we dreaded, it was confirmed to all of us who had gathered in that hospital's waiting room: Komachi, Yuigahama, and Hayama who had come with Haruno.

Yukinoshita Yukino was gone forever.

* * *

 **Hikigaya Household, Hachiman's Room**

I looked at the bruises on my elbow and back of my arms, marks that would soon heal. But I knew there were marks of a good kind, changes, on my soul that Yukinoshita made, that would last my whole life. For I now had friends and acquaintances outside family, people that cared about me and people for whom I had various levels of care. Because of a strange Service Club made by a girl that wanted to change the world, who was compelled to start with one rotten dark outcast, she had changed me.

What was her request, that thing she wanted of those two of us closest to her, closer than family probably? Did she have a plan for us, a vision of a future, for something better between us all? I believed she did, and I couldn't help but think it was a sacred duty of mine to divine if I could what Yukinoshita intended.

Far worse than a crushed expectation for something one hoped to have, was the void of having someone precious taken. I realized my imagined "traumas" to this point in my life were nothing, the immense sore wound in my chest and my mind was my life's first real trauma.

Yuigahama called, her voice very dull.

"Hikki, I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but..I think we have to tell Iroha-chan, so I'm going"

"Yes, I'll go to school for that. We can have Isshiki come to the clubroom, that seems like the right place"

* * *

 **School**

"Hikigaya, I'm very sorry", Hayama told me.

"I'm sorry too, Hayama, for you to lose your childhood friend"

"But she was closer to you, Hikigaya, you and she had a special thing together, she..always watched out for... " Hayama stopped and sighed, left me and returned to his seat, his clique somber and leaving Yuigahama and him alone for the first time.

Tobe walked over, "Hikitani dude, I'm really sorry, she did good things for all of us and I know Yukinoshita was very special to you. "

"Thank you Tobe. Indeed she was"

Yuigahama and I agreed to be in the club room during lunch, we had asked Iroha to come alone.

"Hey Hikki, I think ...the Club should take a break for a while.. But I think...later we should... Yukinon would want the Service Club to go on."

"Yes. For the first part of our third year, before we are taking exams. It would be the right and good thing to do, to go one more semester. Komachi has said she would like to join and for Club to continue, if she passes the exam to enroll"

"That would make me happy, Hikki. And Yukinon would be happy, I'm sure of it."

"Hello Yui-san! Senpai!", but Isshiki saw we were both standing and had very somber expressions. "What's wrong. And where is Yukino-sanpai?"

Yuigahama took in a deep breath, but instead of speaking I only saw her start to shake and heard her making quiet short gasps. I gulped and took a deep breath, I hoped I could speak without falling apart weeping myself.

"I'm very sorry we have to tell you this, Isshiki, I know Yukinoshita was a beloved and special Senpai to you." Iroha already was making a terrible expression, please little Kohai let me finish before becoming too upset or I won't be able to continue, I thought. "Yukinoshita was with Yuigahama and myself at the Aquarium yesterday, but her heart stopped, and we did CPR until the medics came ..and she was taken to the hospital..and..but.. but she couldn't be saved", my voice was breaking up, like a boy in early puberty.

Isshiki almost fell over but instead ran to me, squeezed me tight and was weeping and yelling at the same time "No Senpai! No! No! No! That's not true!" Yuigahama had started crying aloud too and put her arms around both of us.

I could only hold with one arm Isshiki and put my hand on Yuigahama's shoulder, and say nothing, my own tears falling off my face.

* * *

Late after cleaning myself up, I calmed myself and went to see Sensei.

"Hikigaya, I'm very sorry you had to lose someone special to you."

"I'm sorry you lost a student under your care, Hirtasuka-sensei", I replied. "Yuigahama and I would like to continue the Service Club for the first semester next year, my sister Komachi also would like to join if she can pass exams"

"Yes, you can do that, in fact you will be president, Hikigaya-kun.", she asserted.

"But Sensei, I'd request that the Battle Royale or whatever be stopped; I think since I have been changed by the Club, and have friends and acquaintances, Yukinoshita won. And I think she'd order me to continue her dream, to make the world a little better, and myself a little better"

"You know, Hikigaya, there was something as plain as day to myself and Haruno and Shiromeguri...let me only say you of all people were very important to Yukinoshita Yukino.

 _...To break through her shell... I want that person to be you. It's now or never, Hikigaya!_ , I remembered Sensei's words after that long drive late at night.

"You both changed each other, for the better."

* * *

 **Wake**

At Yukinoshita's wake, we had to observe the custom of placing flowers around the deceased. I forced myself to look at her face one last time. Dignified, royal I would even say, in death her face was beautiful even though very different from her face of life. Yukinoshita in white kimono wrapped right to left, was laid in the traditional way of head to the north, and some favorite burnable items were there with her in the coffin. There were books with protective cat covers. With a start I saw that pink scrunchie I had given her for Christmas, someone had considered that dear to Yukinoshita.

* * *

 **Cemetery**

Haruno had asked me to visit Yukinoshita's grave with her, in that section of the cemetery stones of the Yukinoshita family were ostentatious and large. The sun shone but the day was cold and windy. After we performed the customs, Haruno turned to me.

"She always wore that scrunchie you gave her at home, I placed it with her though my family didn't understand it. I only said it was from someone very special to her.

"Hikigaya-kun, there is a thing I've been debating with myself, and I've decided it would be good for you to have have a part of something very valuable to me. If you don't want these papers please return them to me, but otherwise you can keep them. Also there a package"

She handed me an envelope of papers and a parcel.

"Thank you for coming here with me today, Hikigaya-kun, to remember Yukino-chan.", she turned and left.

Valuable papers, I shouldn't read them in this winter wind. I took them and the package home.

A couple pages were removed from a diary book and there was a photograph too, I felt guilty to be reading what I knew was extremely personal to the young woman Yukinoshita Yukino, but of course I was compelled by curiosity and by Haruno's insistence that this would be for my good, reading these innermost thoughts.

 _February 7_

 _Yuigahama-san said Hikigaya would get chocolates "for sure", I am certain she intends to give him some but with what reason she'll give to him I don't know. Since she said it in front of Hikigaya-kun and Iroha-chan, I don't think she intends a love confession, but I know already her feelings for Hikigaya-kun are very strong._

 _I am such a coward! I really am still just an immature teenage girl in many matters, including those of the heart. I fear how Hikigaya-kun will respond if I tell him of my feelings, I fear what will happen to my relationship with Yui since she also obviously also has feelings for him. Would I destroy our club and all our friendships? Would I alienate Yui if Hikigaya-kun would accept my confession? Even if he didn't accept but maybe left the Club or Yui became angry? The risks, they were so great!_

 _What would I confess? Certainly I was fond of him for a long time, have feelings of affection and concern. I looked forward to seeing him, and always enjoy hearing him even if his views are sometimes dark, silly, illogical...yet always fascinating to me. These feelings have only grown stronger in the past few months. I am excited to be near him, embarrassed in his gaze, wondering how he sees me, wanting to be nearer. Can I use the extreme word humans have for that part of the emotional spectrum, to say I am in love? This is love? Am I old enough, wise enough or sufficiently mature to know what love really is?_

 _That genuine understanding with another, can I ask Hikigaya-kun if we could become closer, spend time doing things together, so we could try to find that thing? Could I use the word "dating" for that, would he want "dates" of those kind with me?_

 _I will make him the chocolates, that is the first step regardless of whatever I decide to tell him. What exact thing I will tell him I still do not know, but I want him to always be in my life._

 _February 8_

 _Yui came over and we ate too many sweets while watching first a Pan-san movie then a "Romance". I think she endures the Pan-san politely for my sake, but even so I am happy to have a close friend to share the experience. Could Hikigaya-kun ever be my close friend to share experiences, that would make me so delighted. Could I ask for just that with the chocolates, or should I leap over the huge chasm and ask for "romance" too? I once half-jokingly told him friendship was impossible the second time he asked, but I can say I want "close friendship" now. Or is that the genuine truth, should I say "you can't be my friend but you can be my boy friend"?_

 _February 10_

 _Stupid Nee-san! Taking away any possible enjoyment of the event from me, already I was so very nervous and clumsy to be making Hikigaya's chocolate with him right there, and then she has to needle us. I realized her point, but even if the chocolate tasting wasn't a genuine thing, but just a way for high schoolers to have fun, yet I was making special chocolate to give Hikigaya-kun later for real! But I couldn't say that with Hikigaya-kun next to me._

 _If that wasn't bad enough then Mother had of all nights chosen this one to come to my apartment. Complaining of my being out late when Nee-san had usurped my position as head of the event! It was an official school event being presided over by your older daughter, Mother!_

 _Unhappy with my career choice, Mother of course conveyed that with her usual means of trying to make me feel guilty, implying I was ever the cause of regret and grief to her. All due to failings as a Mother, she had said. Rather ironic coming from a woman who bore me but then gave duties to nannies and later my sister. Of the list of things a Mother should do and be, she had certainly performed egg donor and incubator, but I question her motives and actions for the rest. Substitute. Replacement part. That is Yukino to her._

 _Of course, my career path choice was intended to let me be closer to my club mates for a while longer. Really not so different from Yumiko-san's reasons and perhaps just as silly as a substitute for what I really wanted. I should be more mature about my career path, I can still be close to Yui and Hikigaya-kun regardless of the path, if I make the effort!_

 _What I really wanted, I have up to now always acted to fulfill expectations and be "an obedient girl". What I would want for my life and career and education, Mother would never stand for any of it. Nor for whom I want to be closest, the primary want of mine . She won't stand for my feelings for a cynical and outcast young man who is not from a family of power nor wealth nor has concrete future. Yet I want to be with him!_

 _Courage for negotiation with Mother. Courage for making my feelings for Hikigaya-kun reach him. I am destitute in the currency of courage._

The rest of the page was empty, she never wrote in her diary again.

Also in the envelope was a picture taken automatically by a camera at DestinyLand, my look of amazement toward Yukinoshita, her holding my sleeve with her hand touching mine, her smile as she made a request. So she had purchased that picture while I was buying her a drink in a Pan-san cup.

 _Hey Hikigaya-kun, help me someday_.

We'd never know her request Valentines day, but she made a request that day too. Help with the future, whether with her family situation or a problem she knew was coming or had then, I won't know.

But I did know one thing, Yukinoshita Yukino wanted to be with me and valued me. And that I think was what Haruno wanted me to know, that someone saw both the bad side of me and whatever good, and still wished to be much closer to Hikigaya Hachiman.

The package contained a ribbon wrapped plastic bag of chocolates. Almost I thought it was too beautiful and of too great value to eat, and I had not been handed it by Yukinoshita. But chocolate has a finite life, as Yukinoshita Yukino did and as I do. She did make those for me as one of the last acts of her very short life. I would never know what exact words she was struggling with, but those things she made with thoughts of me and my worth to her. So I opened the bag and tasted one. It had two layers, bitter and heaviness paired with one having sweetness and lightness.

Neither Yukinoshita Yukino nor I would be described as sweet or light people for most who had met either of us. But we might say we sometimes found that in each other, and Yuigahama had said at various times that she saw us give those closest to us warmth and kindness. I thought of all the time she had shown those things to me, and those especially the looks and gestures she had made toward me at New Years and the days since then. The embarrassed waiting for my opinion of her in those glasses I had given her, her smile as she held my coat hem on the train, her long stare in the infirmary, her being so flustered and clumsy at the chocolate making event ...

 _Hikigaya-kun, we still have your request._

Those also were some of her final words in this life.

Ah yes, my yearning for deep understanding of another that came from deep within my soul, "I want the genuine thing", made to both her and Yuigahama. And now I knew how Yukinoshita Yukino intended to attempt to answer it. Her feelings finally reaching my very dense and stupid and insensitive self. But now she couldn't, we couldn't...the regret made me put my hand on my face and I then really cried, long and hard while hoping my family didn't hear. But Komachi opened my door and just held me, my sister also seeing those precious evidences of Yukinoshita Yukino's feelings on my desk.


	2. Chapter 2

I sat in in my usual chair, back to the door even though I was the club president. I had just made and poured tea, president's duty by tradition! Komachi sat where Yukinoshita used to sit, though Komachi used our idle club time for helping with student council projects and so she was typing on a laptop with Yukinoshita's teacup beside. Yui was humming to music from her earbuds, but was actually studying, a habit her lost friend had been trying to instill. Iroha (yes, we all used first names now, we gave in to Yui) was there also as usual, she already said next year she'd endorse Komachi for StuCo president. And I would pass the reins to Komachi to be club president the 2nd semester of this year. Hey isn't that just like cronyism and nepotism in the adult world, Onii-chan is so proud of you both Komachi and Iroha!

Komachi already said she had new club members for the next semester chosen, but only would tell me "it's a secret, Onii-chan!" when I asked who. I suspected a certain pestilent bug had better behave himself being in this room with Komachi, or the all the school's bags for trash duty might be a bit heavy one day!

We could say I was still a loner in many ways, in that I appreciated time to myself and time for solitary activities like reading, writing, thinking, and lazying about the house. We could say I was no longer a loner in many ways, having people close to me and my making efforts to spend time with them and to know them more deeply. I would have mocked this mindset a year ago, saying it was pointless as all the relationships in high school would be reset. But now I valued the effort of closing the distance between myself and those important to me, to expend effort to maintain a relationship. Yukinoshita- Yukino- I can call you that now, we'd be calling you that now wouldn't we?- did that, and was wanting to make a huge leap toward closing a particular distance to someone she esteemed. I have taken that lesson to heart, Yukino.

I was writing a light novel, by hand in a notebook before committing to computer, I always liked rough work on paper. I was going to submit this thing to a publisher, just to see what would happen. Several times last year Yukino pushed me during club writing projects, and though I fretted and stressed and bitched as deadlines loomed, I loved it. In fact, that is my compromise with myself over my preferred choice of being a house-husband. As a writer I could stay in the wonderful controlled and comfortable environment of a home!

I stopped writing and looked up to my club mates.

"Hikki, I'm having so much trouble with my Kanjii workbook", said Yui.

"You can come home with me, we'll work on it", I said.

"Komachi will be going to her friends house, so Yui can eat my portion of dinner", my dear Imouto piped up and announced, even as she started texting on her phone to make that statement actually true.

Yui and I laughed, we didn't even make a secret about Komachi's intentions, we know very well what Komachi wanted. Of course I already knew what Yui wanted, we had even talked about that.

Yui and I were very different, she was not philosophical and considered all schoolwork an annoying obstacle. She was energized by being with people. She was gifted though, her skills at mediating and reaching out to hostile people were amazing. For that matter, her ability to work her way into the hearts of cold and aloof people in which she saw a spark of warmth, such as Yukino and myself, was nothing short of miraculous. Time and again Yui had brought together people in the school, even inter-school committees, the student council, the club...and last year even Yukino and I.

I still don't know all my feelings for Yui, but I did tell her she was more important to me than anyone else, and I wanted to spend time with her and to try to get a deep understanding of her: what she loved, disliked, what was important to her, what she feared, what things she hoped for in the future, what thing had happened in her past. She gladly accepted that and has been very happy. And I was opening myself to her too, I wished Yui to know all those things about me. Whether this would go to a completely romantic end or a deep lifelong friendship, I didn't know. But Yui was precious to me and more than worthy of any amount of exertion on my part.

Later Yui and I bade everyone goodbye, and I rode her home on my bicycle, her arms around me and her head on my back. Yui, you never pass up a chance to throw in a little romance, do you? But I didn't really mind.

 _The End_


End file.
